Adapted from The Pink Elephant, a tequila and strawberry frozen drink and also the elephant in the room, when someone realizes you haven’t always been Jewish but doesn’t quite know how to ask what and when and why. It’s a little bit from everywhere and a whole lot of come-as-you-are-and-we’ll-figure-it-out. Conversion, in a glass.
- It’s Shavuot, so you need ice cream of some sort. You’re not sure why, but the other option is boozy cheesecake shots and you mastered that four years ago. (With your great-aunt’s recipe from Christmas Eve, no less.)
- It turns out your rabbi doesn’t know why about the ice cream, either, but he offers to discuss the technicalities of the Cuisinart freezer anytime*.
- You’re having trouble keeping up with your own kefir** production, so you’ve been making frozen raspberry kefir. You scoop ¾ c. of that into the high-powered blender you’re still not sure why you bought, two Pesachs ago.
- Any frozen berry yogurt would be great, though. Strawberry ice cream would work but be super sweet, not unlike the drinks you make for Sisterhood Shabbat.
- Tequila is canon here, and tequila is delightful and also tequila-shame is one of your signature Torah-drinking jokes. Also your best shul-drinking buddy makes really great margaritas, and you’re not used to her not being here for Shavuot.
- But you also have the almost-full bottle of slivovitz she left at your place when she moved to Pittsburgh. Slivovitz makes anything Jewish, it’s like the mikveh of mixology. A tablespoon of each, then. They splash as you pour them into the blender. Probably you went a little overboard.
- You could probably use pisco in place of the slivovitz (maybe you can convince people that pisco is the Sephardi version?)
- Add a splash of lime, because tequila.
- Homemade kefir is pretty tart, and raspberries are even more so. Plus you became Jewish in Iowa, so you need a scant tablespoon of corn syrup.
- (You’ve learned recently that corn syrup is a secret weapon in home ice cream making. Your origins never make sense, until suddenly they’re exactly who you’re supposed to be.)
- Add a little milk, no more than a tablespoon.
- Unless it’s really cold in your kitchen, or your ice cream is really frozen, add an ice cube or two.
- Whir the crap out of the thing, just now realizing it’s the wrong container (have you ever used those groovy smoothie cups that came with the blender?) and the jar of your blender is way too big for just one drink. The ice cube rattles around, intimidated and unlike everything else in there, but soon settles into a smooth whir.
- The blender is supposed to pulverize all of those raspberry seeds but some of them remain***. Seeds of knowledge? The little ways you’ll never quite assimilate? Enh, fiber, it’s good for you, bubeleh. .
- Add a little more milk if it’s too thick. Pour it into a mason jar and freeze a bit if it’s too thin (if you’d used the smoothie cups, you could have avoided the mason jar part. If you’d spent summers at Ramah, would you get stuff like this right on the first try?)
- Pour into a glass, with a straw. Probably you could top this with whipped cream for the clouds on Sinai that Moses came down through (you Googled that part). Definitely you could make a ribald joke about Boaz, Ruth, Naomi and whipped cream.
- You could maybe have rimmed the glass with salt and something minty green (agriculture!) or smoky/spicy (see ribald joke above). Or the metallic sparkle sugar that the Junior Kiddush Club snitches behind your back (or at least that’s what you let them think).
- Drink while reading the book of Ruth, and wonder if she understood just how she got to where she was, and if she could even imagine being anywhere else.
Recipe: Revelation: In a blender, combine ¾ c. berry frozen yogurt, 1T. Tequila, 1T. Slivovitz (or other clear brandy, like pisco), dash lime juice, and a scant 1 T. corn syrup. Blend until smooth; add 1-2 ice cubes and/or 1T. milk until desired consistency is achieved (you can also freeze the mixture for ~30 minutes after blending). Pour into a glass and serve with a straw. (Recipe makes one ~1c. milkshake)
*Yeah, my rabbi is cooler than yours.
**Want kefir grains? Hit me up!
***Blueberries would probably assimilate with no problems whatsoever. If your Judaism was a berry, which berry would it be?
****Resisted the urge to craft a “my milkshake brings all the Jews to the yard and their dvar, is better than yours…” parody. You’re welcome.