Egyptians don’t drink; count that as one of last year’s learnings from Kiddush Club*. Which, I gotta say, makes it significantly harder to align with them; you’d think “no happy hour” could be the first sign of potential trouble, and maybe Jeremiah’s lecture was somewhat less than necessary. Oh, Israel, you adorably dense nation; how charming that you think a zinger like “Braggart Who Let the Hour Go By” (46:17; also see Plaut’s “Big Noise Who Has Missed His Chance,”) could bring a Pharoah to his knees**.
Egypt is a veritable zoo, if Jeremiah’s language is to be believed: heifers and gadflys (20) and fatted cows (21); snakes and woodchoppers (22) and locusts. Egpyt is in the feminine throughout, all of these allusions to Egyptian goddesses (I’ve read, in reputable sources). Feminine Egypt, poised for her downfall, and bringing King Israel down with her (though he will rise up again)? Weren’t the Haftorahs supposed to be sweet little stories, and not these terrible allegories that have you running for that river in Mitzrayim?
So, the lesson for today: shit’s gonna suck, and it’s gonna suck for a while, but in the end you will be redeemed. You can count on this, as surely as you can count on Tabor being among the mountains, and Carmel by the sea. In the meantime, try a cup of this when you need a little denial about this time in Egypt.
Recipe: Caramel-by-the-Sea (46:18): Pour 3 oz caramel eggnog*** into a punch glass. Top with .75 oz. Kaluha, .5 oz butterscotch schnapps, and 1 oz whiskey. Squirt with whipped cream, drizzle with caramel sauce****, sprinkle with salt, and top with a cherry. Stir before drinking.
*Hey, Distinguished Member, I just thought of a new nickname for you.
**I mean, we can try it. Stranger things have happened.
***The availability of this stuff in the Island of Misfit Jews was perhaps on the “pro” list re: moving here. I think caramel sauce stirred in to traditional eggnog would be a reasonable substitute.
****Learn to make your own—this is a whiskey-butter-sugar caramel sauce, but coconut milk caramel is ridiculously easy and can be fed to vegans.
This parsha is the anniversary of my favorite blog post of all time. (I speak on behalf of me, and not the Kiddush Club. Also, that was the worst ginger beer I’ve ever tasted.)
Tippling Through The Torah 